Entry #1
Here i sit, in bed, next to my 22 month old daughter who is sleeping through that stuffy nose, sore throught, dry cough nonsense. Her little body is probably so tired fighting off whatever that is.
The sound machine is on in our room but i can still hear her breathing as shes sleeping in our big comfy, safe bed.
I feel all sorts of kicks and movements from her little brother who is due tomorrow but feels like he still wont arrive for a couple days.
My body hurts, my ribs are sore and my ankles are swollen like they normally are in the evening after chasing around my toddler all day and nesting like a madwoman on top of that.
Oh shit, my hair is still wrapped in a towel from the shower i took a half hour ago. Ugh, having to get up and dry my hair is such a pain.
I forgot to grab the mail today.
I dont even remember hugging my oldest before he left for a sleepover at grandpas. Thats enough to make me want to cry.
More kicks. He is one active baby.
I think about how nice it would be to have more kids after this one but i hate not being able to give my kids the mom they deserve while pregnant. The first trimester consisted of me laying on the couch waiting to die and doing the bare minimum just to keep my kids alive by the time my husband got home. How could i take care of FOUR kids if that happens again?
No this is our last. I'm sad, but also looking forward to this chapter being over for me. I know ill miss it in a few years. But hopefully the bussiness of two young kids and two preteens will keep my mind off of it.
Oh my god, i forgot to take the trash out.
More kicks.
I'm so sad for my older boys. I feel like they get no attention from me, not that they care really. But i care.
I've found myself going to check on them in their room more often just to say hi and tell them i love them. They get confused but they are growing older so fast to me and all i want to do is cling to them and what remains of the "little kid" in them. I just want to hug them and squeese so hard that they shrink back down to little 5 year olds again.
Their interests have changed a lot and they have grown so much in the last year alone.
The little jackolanterns they are with every other tooth missing and their jaws growing to accommodate more adult teeth. Theyre getting gangly now with random little growth spurts and arms too long for their bodies at the moment. I miss when their hands were still chunky, now replaced with slender hands and fingers that are way better at writing and drawing than they used to be.
At 22 months, my daughter communicates so well its almost scary. She even corrects herself in her words and doesnt say half of them funny or wrong anymore. She lets us know every word in her vocabulary all before 9am. She starts at 7, wide awake and ready for the day.
The amount of hearbreak you feel throughout life, relationships, growing up, will never compare to the heartbreak you feel just watching your kids grow up. I know they are still little, one not even born yet, but a week from now, my youngest will suddenly be graduating from elementary to middle school and my oldests will be high school seniors.
It hurts knowing how fast time will go by. How quickly they will grow up and grow away from me. One day i will set my daughter down for the last time. One day my boys will give me their last squeeze hug. One day my youngest wont need to hold my hand down the steps anymore. And i wont know when that will happen until it just happens no more.
I should really go dry my hair...
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